Thank you, Find My iPhone...

...for helping me find my iPhone. Thank you in particular for your "play a sound" feature, which works even when the ringer is off... even when your phone isn't anywhere you put it... even when it's tucked underneath a pillow... even when the pillow is tucked under another pillow... even when the pillows are tucked under a sleeping, 10-year-old, silly, silly boy... who's in a LOT of trouble.

Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law

After America flames out, and then the Apocalypse happens, and then the robots rise and fall, and then the roaches rule the Earth for a million years, and then finally the Sun supernovas and destroys the solar system, even after that, we will still have The Onion. Therefore I'm not worried about anything.
Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law

You Might Get Lucky (A Modern Tragediumph)

Today I got to live through a First World Tragedy, followed by a Riotous Comedy, followed by Yet Another Triumph of Science and Human Ingenuity Over the Dark, Cold, Unfeeling Universe and its IRRESISTABLE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS.Scene 1:

1. Go to AVAC (local health club) to get a Swimming Workout.
2. Swim 40 minutes.

Scene 2:

3. Get out and start drying off.
4. Realize you have left your Regular Shorts on above your Swim Trunks, and they are SOAKED, and in the Pocket of your Regular Shorts is your Truck Key Fob, and it is SOAKED.
5. PANIC.

Scene 3:

6. Remember MARY is the Keeper of The Other Key.
7. Remember MARY is 90 MILES AWAY this week, along with The Other Key.
8. Start Shaking Out the Key Fob, and Blowing On It, hoping You Might Get Lucky.
9. Remember Your Wallet and Phone are both IN THE TRUCK, along with the House Keys.
10. Ramp PANIC up to a NEW LEVEL.

Scene 4:

11. Think about how it's going to Work Out if you Borrow a Phone to get a Locksmith, and the Locksmith Unlocks the Truck, but you still can't Use the Key Fob.
12. Be SAD about how Mary is going to have to Drive 180 UNPLANNED MILES tonight.
13. Repeat steps 5 through 12 for about 10 minutes.
14. Think about GETTING THE LOCKSMITH TO COPY THE KEY FROM THE KEY FOB.

Scene 5:

15. Remember your Key Fob is... A KEY, and that the Electronic Part doesn't need to work in order to UNLOCK and DRIVE THE TRUCK.
16. LAUGH OUT LOUD.
17. Finish shower and Head Out to Truck.

Scene 6 (Finale):

18. Use the Button on the Fob to UNLOCK The Door Electronically.
19. Be IMPRESSED with Humanity, EXCEPTING PRESENT COMPANY, OF COURSE.

Nostalgia for Now

Tomorrow is one of those times in my life where i get up at 6:30am on Saturday to take my kids to do sports. It's not the first time, and won't be the last, and yet I'd guess the number of times I'll do that in my life will be finite and relatively low in retrospect. Sometimes people describe futurists as people with a nostalgia for the future. This is more like a nostalgia for the right now. I'll miss this, regardless what sucky or awesome thing I might be doing later instead of this.

I hereby resolve to get back on the horse.

Er, wait... I think there's more than one horse. So... I hereby resolve to get back on all of the horses. Starting tomorrow, you will see me on all kinds of horses. Good horses. Horses a person like me should be on.